Finding God, Finding Ourselves 10-13-11

Anderson, South Carolina

By the time we arrive in kindergarten our brains and nervous systems are nearly finished works. Extensive evidence suggests by the age of five our personalities, coping mechanisms, and ways of relating to the universe are not unlike clay subjected to the high temperatures of a ceramic kiln, fixed and immutable.

Legions of professionals have made careers of exploring the ways troubled childhoods create legacies none of us would want to inherit. Maladaptive coping skills, compromises to our immune systems, the advent of catastrophic disease are nearly part and parcel to growing up in troubled families. It would seem those of us raised in toxic environments are doomed, consigned to a constellation of consequences making for a mid and late adulthood colored by significant emotional and physical challenges. The work of many investigators strongly suggests many cancers, degenerative neurological diseases, arthritis, and dementia find their advent in individuals who experienced profound emotional challenges early in life.

Years ago, those who wear starched white coats at their day jobs told me I would never get better. A physician, my best friend for decades, even suggested I might consider going into a group home, perhaps making crafts a couple days a week. He went on to be chief-of-staff of a great medical center; I haven’t heard from him in years. The emotional and physical challenges of mid and late adult life which are almost de rigueur for those of us passing through turbulent families of origin seemed to be coming to pass for me in a powerful way. For a season I was even unable to live in my own house.

Little was offered to me by medical professionals other than assorted forms of chemical restraint which nearly killed me. So often the stock-in-trade psychotropic drugs of the Walgreens and CVS’s of America made me wish I were out of this world. I already was nearly out of my mind.

At the insistence of a dear friend I joined a YMCA during the worst part of my journey. Leaving the illusions of safety on the east end of my couch in a darkened house, I went to the gym and spent an hour on a Stair Climber, every day. I then walked an hour on the indoor track, wondering about the vibrant healthy people around me. They had no concept of the darkness I walked in.

For some days I was entranced, watching a 6’8” giant of a man tending to the rehab of young man catastrophically injured in an auto accident. Small tentative efforts on my part to make conversation eventually led to our sharing #6 combination plates at a nearby Mexican restaurant. Over a few weeks I was exposed to some extraordinary wisdom; to not give up a day before the miracle, to believe it could get better, to believe God could restore me to sanity, to believe the toxic realities of my origins don’t have to be a life sentence.

Bill soon invited me to join him in a small dumpy cinder-block building in town where dozens were assembled, individuals buying into the same ideas he shared with me, to not give up a day before the miracle, to believe it could get better, to believe God could restore me to sanity, to believe the toxic realities of my origins don’t have to be a life sentence. Was it possible these people had something to offer me, something more than ‘modern’ medicine? They showed me how to leave the darkness behind. I left behind my psychotropic poisons and entered into the sunlight of the spirit.

Some two hundred forms of twelve-step recovery believe it possible to enter into the sunlight of the spirit, to have a radical change of life. Carl Jung, the father of modern psychiatry, went so far as to suggest individuals previously declared hopeless could in fact be restored to good health by virtue of having what he called a ‘vital spiritual experience.’ He described individuals having huge emotional displacements and rearrangements, so large as to completely alter their emotions, ideas, and attitudes. The possibility I could break free of my childhood legacy was captivating. After being told I’d never get better, of being hopeless, the possibility of having a huge emotional displacement for the better was enough to ignite the luminous wonder of hope in my darkness.

In 1902 William James, a distinguished psychologist articulated in his Varieties of Religious Experience, the myriad ways individuals come into contact with God. Some have instantaneous life transformations, so called burning bush encounters. Most of us have slowly developing spiritual experiences of what are called the educational variety. Often these are grounded in what many have described as the dark night of the soul.

In his Deeper Experiences of Famous Christians, James Lawson in 1911 described radical transformation bringing men and women into places of great spiritual effectiveness and influence, in turn guiding millions of others into effective spiritual experiences for themselves. In nearly every case, great spiritual transformation took place in seasons of great despair, at times when these individuals had hit bottom.

One only has to read Story of a Soul, short autobiographic writings of Saint Therese of Lisieux, to be in wonderment at the spiritual power manifested in a cloistered young nun who suffered a long struggle with tuberculosis before dying at the severe age of twenty-four. Since 1899 her words have given evidence of a life lived far above circumstance. One can only wonder if Lawson had opportunity to read of her life while assembling his biographies of famous Christians.

The possibility I could leave a drug-induce stupor and torment behind and embrace a life of confidence and usefulness was nearly more than I could imagine. I wondered how Lawson’s dusty old text from 1911 could so fully inform my life; informing me with hope. Williams in 1902 provided assurance through his lectures there’s no one magic way to have spiritual transformations. Therese spoke from the late 19th century of living above life’s circumstances, of trust and acceptance of God’s care despite life’s turbulence.

The past several years have proven the veracity of Jung, James, Lawson, and Therese’s writings, their ability to fully inform my life here in the distant future. Their message is the same simple one millions have found in recovery. If we seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will and the ability to carry it out, we find ourselves living lives beyond imagination.

“I know the thoughts I have for you, thoughts for good, not for evil, plans that will give you hope and a future.”