Paradise Almost Lost 5-26-10

Deep Gap, North Carolina

John Milton’s Paradise Lost, an epic work of literature that has captured the imagination of millions in the English-speaking world since 1667, is often considered the greatest work in the English language. Most of the ten thousand lines of verse, describing the Fall of Man and his expulsion from the Garden of Eden, were written while Milton was blind, and subsequently transcribed into ten volumes. In his epic tale, Milton states his purpose is to justify the ways of God to men.

In the Genesis account of man’s departure from Paradise, the first evidence of a problem occurs when Man decides he’s naked in a shameful way and scrambles to go find some big fig leaves. When God shows up, looking for Adam, he’s off hiding in the bushes in his shame. It’s not much longer that Adam and Eve stay in paradise. They are sent out to till soil, fight weeds and thorns, and howl during childbirth. Whether literal or allegorical, humanity has struggled ever since with feeling outcast and homeless. Many of us spend a lifetime struggling to have a sense of belonging, of ‘wantedness.’ Our sense of shame becomes overwhelming and isolating, driving many to pain-relieving addictions in a thousand forms: alcohol, drugs, power, sex, fame, knowledge, experiences of myriad kinds.

Circumstances of life bring many of us to believe we can’t possibly merit or justify a place in the garden or Paradise. Certainly, good things can only accrue to other more virtuous souls. Low self-esteem is endemic in our performance-oriented culture that measures worth and success by secular benchmarks of cash flow potential, net worth, beauty, ad infinitum. We wonder what other people have that allows them to partake of the world’s succulent fruits. Often we sabotage the good that comes our way, driven by a profound sense of unworthiness. We can’t possibly deserve any goodness.

I’ve often been granted permission to enter Paradise of one flavor or another, some literal, some relational, some imaginary. My challenge is in overcoming the great compulsion to resist paradise and instead relax into its opulence. Sometimes it gets to be so foreign, basking in the magnificence of true community, a real world metaphor for Paradise. The exhilaration that comes from profound connection and belonging exceeds any buzz we ever found in our addictions of choice. Yet, I often jump up and run.

For those of us travelling in the recovery world, a most disquieting reality is seeing people who seem to have it all in terms of looks, talents, stuff, and skills operating out of that foundational belief: I deserve no good thing. Helplessly we watch these people go back to familiar self-destructive habits, because they know no other way. Often we find ourselves doing the very same thing.

In recovery a quip says “Let us love you until you learn to love yourself.” Our fellow travelers really do want us to make it. Love seems essential to catalyzing change; transforming shame and unworthiness to serenity and peace. Slowly, those working a program of recovery will find a new belief taking hold, one that allows them to be loved by a God of their understanding, to love themselves, to enter into the Paradise of belonging, of true community. The transformations are nothing short of miraculous.

Having had a spiritual wakening as a result of working the twelve steps, individuals often enter into profound psychic change. Collectively, the recovery community embraces a brilliant reality: The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and towards God’s universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way that is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us we could never do by ourselves.

None other than the famed Carl Jung said of these spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.

I almost left ‘my’ emerald Paradise early because I could not get past the idea that I was somehow a burden or a pest or a distraction from the ongoing affairs of the garden. I couldn’t even justify my taking up space in Paradise with money because there is no stated cost for admission. I almost got in my little green car as I have done before and hit the road. I wonder if in a peculiar way I am having a mental relapse, going back to old beliefs and practices grounded in unworthiness. Did I nearly sabotage a really good thing, to consider leaving early?

What I don’t have to question is the promise which states, We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Things like embracing Paradise in all its wondrous forms, and not running out the front gate at first opportunity, driven by shame. We will come to realize we have been created in God’s image. I will come to realize true paradise is life without shame.

He is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself.