Finding our True Strength 8-7-11

Anderson, South Carolina

Working with those in recovery from alcoholism and addictions allows an unusual perspective, not unlike that experienced by clergy and physicians. Battered by traumas and losses attendant with addiction, once-highly-functioning adults wash up onto the shores of our recovery programs powerless to manage even the smallest affairs of their truncated lives. Having been beaten down by the rigors of addiction, these individuals often seem nearly devoid of defended egos. In their pain and desperation they’ve become teachable, respectful, willing to try something new, free of argument, perhaps lacking in good judgment.

Foundational to all successful recovery is a belief one must admit to complete powerlessness over people, places, things, and of course the offending agent of addiction; be it alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, ad infinitum. Recovery workers as well as priests and physicians can’t but help note the profound emotional accessibility existing in ‘new arrivals.’ Patients in the midst of medical crisis are inclined to be compliant and teachable. Parishioners in spiritual crisis imbue their priests with great power, open to their every word.

Addicts and alcoholics newly arrived in recovery are often free of defended ego, pilgrims frequently emotionally accessible in ways not usually seen in stronger higher-functioning individuals. Intense authentic and honest communication and affective expression can be nothing short of intoxicating, nearly hypnotic for those they reach out to. Their powerlessness can be most attractive, even in a secular culture worshipping power and fame.

Those in healing professions often find themselves taken in by this hypnotic state, ending up in relationships with patients and clients far beyond appropriate boundaries of professional conduct. It’s no different in recovery work. In twelve step programs references are often made to ‘thirteenth stepping.’ Vulnerable individuals newly arrived in recovery are at high risk for falling into premature and inappropriate relationships with those claiming extended sobriety and clean time. Large numbers of romances, marriages, and children arise in recovery rooms. The number of romances and marriages occurring between patients in detox and rehab facilities is daunting, often with catastrophic results. There’s an often alluring emotional accessibility present in those beaten down by addictions and alcoholism. Those caught up in alcoholism and addiction will quickly confess drinking and using were embraced because of how it made them feel. The feelings one can get from feeling needed, loved, cared for, and reassured can be fully as powerful.

A suggestion often made to newcomers in recovery is to avoid making major decisions during year one of recovery, especially romantic ones. In recovery we often hear strategies to avoid the ‘stinking thinking’ which often precedes relapse. A failed or dysfunctional romance must be one of the most fertile soils for ‘stinking thinking’ on earth. We strongly remind members that “sobriety comes first, everything else will follow.” No premature or inappropriate romance is worth risking a hard-won beachhead in sobriety.

In my five-year journey it’s been my personal experience to have fallen sway to the intoxication of being needed, respected, cared for, even treated a bit as an oracle. This affective hypnosis has more than once started me into ‘stinking thinking’, imagining that being a strong, ethical, knowledge, able mentor capable of protecting and nurturing a hapless newcomer was a good idea. Alas, I was a giant only in my own mind. Somewhere the suggestion to avoid romance in the rooms took root years ago in my psyche and I have no regrets, having gone no further than the original twelve steps. Picking ‘low hanging fruit’ in recovery rooms must be one of the crassest uncivil things one could think of doing.

We were created social beings with strong needs for validation, affirmation, reassurance, and belonging. When our lives have unraveled, these needs become acute. Shining knights on white horses easily capture our attention. Even for those not caught up in alcoholism or addition, living lives devoid of purpose or meaning can set them up to seek solutions where they are not to be found. When we seek Divine guidance in our lives we are able to find solutions to our deepest needs in the appropriate places.

Paradoxically, learning to live in a powerless state, dependent on God, can be the most powerful thing we will ever do. Culture tells us we must learn to show only our powerful, strong, confident, controlled, independent personality. It’s when we learn to reveal our needy, frightened, doubting, angry aspects we can really gain a sense of power operating in our lives. Showing our soft side paradoxically will allow us to build lasting relationships, feeling closer to others who will feel far closer to us. It helps us grow in self-esteem and self-acceptance. It works both ways.

Times without number I’ve felt ‘emotionally ‘safer’ with new arrivals still tenderized by their nightmare journeys into addiction. As they have gained affective strength and ego reasserts itself, this sense of safety often dissipates. Anger, ego, and boundary issues often re-emerge unless newcomers are guided into a humble dependency on God in all aspects of their lives, staying mindful of their true powerlessness.

The revered Henri Nouwen gained his place in history by developing a system of thought in which those of us in the healing professions learned true power comes from revealing our own weaknesses first. Patients and clients were not asked to do anything healers had not already done first – own their own weaknesses and powerlessness. In his best-selling Wounded Healer Nouwen broken down conventions of power for those wearing white coats and collars. In recovery we who’ve been landed for some time reveal our own powerlessness and how we came to find places of power. We share our experience, strength and hope with those who so often arrive hopeless.

We find our true strength when we learn to handle our powerlessness appropriately. That strength does not come from white knights on great steeds or from being needed by those who have reached maximum vulnerability in their life journeys.

We continue on a journey of learning; that we were powerless to manage the affairs of our lives, that God could do something about our powerlessness, and that by turning the affairs of our lives over to His care, we could find a form of powerful living previously unknown to us, even to trusting Him in the matters of our deepest desires, a true connection to those around us and a connection to our Creator.

“He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”