Humility - Right Sizing Our Egos 2-6-11

Anderson, South Carolina

The story’s often told of an arrogant ship’s captain on a foggy night demanding another ship give way, believing he had the right of way. Repeatedly, the captain insisted through his radio operator the vessel before him yield to him, pulling rank, ad infinitum; how dare this anonymous voice in the night tell him what to do? Throughout the course of this conversation the voice in the night insisted the captain heed his commands. Eventually, the obstinate voice simply declared, “proceed at your own risk, lighthouse out.”

The all-time aviation disaster remains an event in the Canary Islands thirty-four years ago claiming the lives of more than five hundred eighty crew and passengers, on the ground. Two fully-loaded 747s collided on the runway when an impatient KLM commanding pilot refused to give heed to the insistent warnings of his co-pilot. This ‘celebrated’ event has been a management case-study for decades of system weaknesses that occur when ego is not checked in some fashion. Procedural changes since then allow junior officers and cabin crew to ‘get in the face’ of higher ups when it comes to matters of safety.

The world is presently watching a war of egos, one with potential to engulf the lives of hundreds of millions in a political economic maelstrom. One considered a despot by many observers refuses to give up his place of absolute power, despite the majority demanding he do so. Cairo has become an epicenter for unrest that threatens to ignite the Arab world in a domino-like destabilization of central governments. One only wonders, almost in awe, why one individual would risk the future welfare of a hundred million of his own citizens. One needs look no further than a tiny three letter word - ego. The same observation can be made of every totalitarian state. Ego proves to be more powerful than entire militaries.

Ego, run amok, is easily the most dangerous phenomenon on earth, causing more deaths and misery than any other force, as aptly described in a Canary Island editorial twenty years ago. Students of warfare will quickly concur in the major role of ego in fanning the torrid flames of conflict.

For some years I was in a state of profound neediness secondary to medical challenges. Over time it became clear my brothers were not interested in letting me too close to their centers of gravity. Unspoken was a fear I might remind them of the tenuous nature of life, that I might be as a flea-bitten stray cat looking for food and shelter, perhaps long-term. It actually did occur to me at one time to do exactly that; in a dysfunctional way indenture myself to one or both of their lives, trading my assets for some sort of informal custodial care. I never spoke this out loud but they got the drift very quickly. We have had the barest of contact over the decades.

In the course of time, I found resolution to my iatrogenic challenges and have moved on to a larger brighter place in life. The idea of indenturing myself to one of their lives now seems so remote, so preposterous. I have since been given a large life rich with meaning and purpose, one taking me around the world.

Both my brothers were recently diagnosed with life-threatening cancers. They admit neoplastic death was not on their “Bucket List” and submitted to quickly organized surgery and treatment. I had the audacity to think I could come from a position of strength and actually be useful to one or both of them, even thinking one or both of them might ask me to come out to their home cities to offer moral support. They did not ask. I only found out their state of affairs from Facebook or e-mail. I was not even in their loops. I cancelled a journey to Portland, in part, because I thought one of my brothers would like some moral support from me and I wanted to keep my schedule open.

For one struggling with the same ego issues as the KLM pilot or the naval captain in the north Atlantic, it was quite the lesson in humility to realize my brothers have no need or use of anything I might have offered them. They get on with their lives just fine, without me. Pressing me further into the lesson is realizing they also want me to get on with my life without them.

In the recovery literature, it’s clearly stated self-centeredness is the underlying cause of our problems in life. Ego and self-centeredness are nearly synonymous with each other. Recovery offers a way to overcome the slippery slope of ego run amok. Ego can destroy any of us with the same certainty it did in the Canary Islands.

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. We are examples of self-will run riot. We must be rid of this selfishness. God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

When we take the position of giving our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand him, we are then liberated from the tyranny of ego. I no longer have to fret because others have no need or want of me. I no longer have to become agitated or impatient because others are not doing what I want them to. I can rest in the assurance things are exactly as they are supposed to be in God’s world.

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

We moved from playing God with a God-sized ego to a place where we simply “sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” We are liberated from the tyranny of ego run amok and are able to relax into the serenity of genuine humility, no longer having to pretend we are ten feet tall and bullet proof. As a dear friend of mine who is six eight in height says, “I am just an average guy who is above average in height.”

When one realizes one’s place in God’s universe, ego sublimates into the wonder of true humility. Those of us using the gateway of twelve-step recovery will almost invariably find ourselves experiencing the promises to be found in the greatest statement ever made about ego.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”